Feeds:
Posts
Comments

sinking.

Y’all. Just listen.

Half of my kitchen counter is covered in clean dishes that need to get put away. The other half is covered with mail and papers and all sorts of things that probably should have just left for school in my children’s bookbags but instead remain on the counter. The sink is full of dishes that need to be cleaned. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. There are crumbs from last night’s dinner under the kitchen table and all the cups and bowls from this morning’s breakfast are still sitting around the living room. All throw pillows and blankets are on the floor in the living room. There are boxes of stuff FROM LAST SCHOOL YEAR on the floor in the dining room along with several containers of random dishes that don’t fit in the kitchen cabinets anymore. We had some drywall replaced in the playroom over the summer and it’s still not repainted. All the laundry that I managed to get done yesterday is crumpled on the couch in my bedroom because it had to get moved off of the bed last night so we could sleep. If I walked into the bathrooms upstairs I would certainly see unflushed toilets and damp towels on the floor and toothpaste all over the counters and sinks. No beds are made. There is dust on every surface. Someone walked inside with their cleats on last night and the trail through the living room and kitchen reminds me that the soccer field is muddy even when it hasn’t rained in days. I have dead plants on my porch. If you open the cabinet that has the water bottles in it they will all come tumbling out onto the floor. I have been using the boys closet as a storage unit for anything that didn’t have a place to go since the beginning of the summer. This morning I couldn’t find the one shirt that someone wanted to wear for picture day. Instead of ironing clothes for picture day last night I put them in the dryer for 5 minutes this morning. I dressed both big boys in long pants which means that at least one of them will come home with holes in the knees of these pants from playing on the blacktop at recess. I am supposed to be in 4 places at once tonight between 5:30 and 8:30. I haven’t showered since Sunday morning. Or maybe Saturday night. We are out of dog food and milk and bread and lettuce and lunch meat and sanity. Today after school we have piano lessons AND tae kwon do AND 2 soccer games. I have a small business that I’m needing to pay attention to this morning. And all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch tv because where do I even start?

I stood in the bathroom with my husband this morning and reported to him that I feel like I’m failing. He reminded me that actually, I’m fine. And, while that is the truth, it doesn’t also mean I can’t feel like I’m sinking. And admitting that I feel like I’m sinking means that I’m about to start swimming again.

Advertisements

remember?

Y’all. Remember when I said that I was going to get REALLY organized and start September off with a BIG OLD BANG of smooth sailing organized goodness?

Well, just LIFE.

I will tell you, it’s interesting to me that no matter what you change about your life to make it easier/better/smoother, life happens. And here’s what I’m thinking about today…that’s a GOOD thing.

Life is tough. Sometimes it’s tough because you can’t find someone’s belt in the morning and sometimes it’s tough because someone you love is sick. Sometimes the HARDEST thing in my day is getting everyone out the door on time. And it makes me FRANTIC. But if I think about it for just one minute I will realize that if that’s hard to me, then I’m just lucky. But that doesn’t mean it’s NOT hard.

I know, I know. I’m talking in circles. Welcome to what it’s like inside my head.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m doing my best. But I’m doing my best at so many things that it’s kind of like I am mediocre at everything. Or that’s how I feel. That’s what happens, I think. Stretch yourself thin enough and you can only do so much.

But it’s hard not to be stretched thin. Family. Kids. Dog. Sports. School. Work. Church. Friends. Self. And let’s be honest, Television. 🙂 And, you know, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week. Etc.

Last night, when my husband and youngest were trying to show me something they thought was cool, I heard a ding and couldn’t help myself because HABITS…I looked at my phone. And I missed what they were showing me. And I thought, this is just RIDICULOUS. And THEN I thought….I need to reassess.

So for the rest of this week, I’m reassessing. I’m not quitting anything or doing anything dramatic like throwing my phone out the window. But I’m trying to really NOTICE what I’m doing. And figure out how to make all this stuff- the really hard stuff and the it-seems-hard stuff and the easy stuff and all the stuff in between work.

I’ll report back. It probably won’t be organized or pretty. But that’s life.

 

Real Life.

Today my children entertained themselves ALL.DAY.LONG.

This is something I’ve wished for all summer long, but today, it happened.

And, dear LORD, I am thankful. Also, feeling a bit guilty, but mostly thankful.

Now, there was some crying, a bit of redirection, a lot of snack-making, and (let’s be totally honest) a LOT of screen time.

But these are dire times, y’all. I’m busting my booty trying to make sure my kids don’t kill each other while I get us ALL ready for school (supply lists! graphing calculators! new uniforms! clean uniforms! bookbags! lunchboxes!). I have friends who have several more children than me and I just don’t know how they do it. Three is really pushing my organizational skills to a new level. Level CRAZY.

I’m also taking on the responsibility of PTO President this year. Let me tell you something, my friends. It’s all fun and games until you are actually IN CHARGE of the Start-of-School Teacher Breakfast AND Open House. Which are two days BEFORE school starts. WHICH MEANS TOMORROW!

Also, I have been trying my best to run a little business out of my house for the past 5 months. This summer it has suffered from a bit of neglect, but it’s taking back off full force this month as well! And for this, I really am thankful, but HOLY SHIT there couldn’t be more going on this week unless I was having a baby.

Which I’m not. Ever again for those who may be wondering.

In other news, this may be the only day of the summer that I actually haven’t found time to snack endlessly, so I’ll take that as a win for the day in my hoping-to-be-more-healthy-because-I’m-40 plan.

Luckily for you, I was waiting for the UPS man and needed a distraction. And so this lovely post was born.

xo

 

Run this life?

So, y’all. I decided to see if I even remembered how to log in to this bad-boy of a blog anymore. And, what-do-ya-know? I do.

Here’s the thing. I definitely no longer run as exercise. Hell, I barely run this house. And my life? Most days I go to bed either laughing or wanting-to-cry while running back through everything that went down all-that-live-long-day.

Maybe I’m getting my summer hangover- it is almost back-to-school around here.

Maybe things really ARE that funny and/or sad/crazy around here. (Definitely)

Maybe I’m just getting old and really REALLY need to write some of this down before I forget. Like I’ll forget TOMORROW. For real.

Either way, I’ve decided to get back to over-sharing on the interwebs. I’ve got it written down IN PEN in my life reorganization plan. Which starts in September.

But I may as well get some practice in.

You are welcome in advance.

#shithappens

Listen. I have another draft of this post in my folder.

It was entitled: #fail.

But. Here’s the thing. It’s a NEW YEAR.

And, also, SHIT HAPPENS.

So. Much. Shit.

In my previous draft, there was a lot of whining. I’ll sum it up: the first 6 months of this big “year-I’m-turning-40” didn’t go as planned. My summer involved some hard family stuff and a lot of fast food eating on the road to and from my hometown. To say the beginning of my kids school year was stressful is an EXTREME understatement. My favorite jeans still don’t fit. I still can’t do a headstand. My closets aren’t cleaned out and I ate the crust from my middle-child’s pizza for dinner last night along with half a bottle of wine. I mean, right?

But, this is my NEW DRAFT. This is the real deal. And all that shit, y’all, it’s just part of real life. And that’s okay because this shit is MY real life.

So, here we go.

As a friend of mine likes to say…ONWARD AND UPWARD.

I’ve got some things up my sleeve for this year.

And just knowing that makes me feel a whole lot more like myself.

 

 

 

fall introversion

OMG- it’s Fall! I love love love FALL!

I love the fact that clothes cover a lot more of your body. It’s cozy and it’s flattering! I love boots and pumpkins and leaves. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving! I love being able to drink hot tea and coffee all day long without sweating! I love cool mornings and sweatshirts and needing to wear socks!

I also LOVE that it’s about to start getting dark early.

You heard me.

I have always loved it. I love a reason to head home early. To eat dinner early. To get the kids to bed early because it’s dark and they can still be fooled and it won’t last forever! To sit down on the couch with a glass of red wine and a book for a while instead of hanging out for another hour socializing outside (even though I love my neighbors with all of my little heart and they know it!). The change to fall and early darkness that makes a lot of people border on insanity and depression empowers me. It totally makes me feel like superwoman after a long, exhausting summer of long days full of activity and crowds and so very little time alone with only my family. Or with only me.

Because, here’s my “secret”. I am most certainly an introvert. And this change in seasons makes me much more comfortable in my own life.

As a noun, an introvert is defined as “a shy person” or “a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings”. As a verb, introvert is defined as “to turn inward”.

When I was young people described me as quiet. shy. polite. mild-mannered. Having fair skin, I’ve always blushed easily (bordering on turning fire-engine red if we’re being honest), and between that and a sheer lack of self-confidence I didn’t like being in front of a crowd. Particularly as an expert or a leader. I always found friends that were pretty comfortable in that role and kept myself out of the spotlight (generally) as somewhat of a side-kick.

Sometime during college something changed. To be honest, I lost weight and found some sort of self-confidence in the attention that came with being a young, slim, 6 foot tall southern girl with smarts. Then I started speaking up in a very sarcastic, self-deprecating way and realized that I could make people laugh. Also, enter alcohol. Beauty, wit, and talent of drinking (most) boys under the table. When you are in your twenties, that’s quite a  popular combination.

Post-college, due to good “people-skills”, a crazy fantastic ability to network, and a pretty decent resume, I found myself in fun, exciting jobs (after one awful month selling classified ads at a local newspaper) that gave me the opportunity to meet new people, impress the ones I already knew with stories of travel and events and even a few famous folks I met along the way, and continue my role as the life of the party.

Admittedly, I loved being fun. And I was. I am. Still.

My thirties were (and still are for some more months!) a little different. I still enjoyed having a great time, but it felt…different. It totally wore me out. I chalked it up to getting older. Having more responsibility. Kids. All of these things were definitely part of it. But they all were part of the bigger struggle as well- I was almost never alone. Down time was limited to early morning and late night. My mental checklist was never complete. Sometime I felt like I was drowning in the things that I couldn’t manage to get done, no matter how small they were. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, still worried about being a fun friend, so I tried really hard to not say no to invitations. I frantically tried to balance socializing with parenting and wife-ing and housekeeping and volunteering. I didn’t even realize how hard it was because I was just so tired and busy! It truly felt like life was supposed to be this way, and I don’t think I minded. Until I did.

I have heard, more than once, that introverts get their power from being alone. This is a strong statement, and it is very different from being shy. It simply means that to be an integral part of the party, first I need some time to myself. This makes total sense to me, and helped me to realize that it’s not so much that *I* have changed (though I have- almost 40 years on this planet will do that to a person), but my life has changed. I no longer spend long mornings cleaning my apartment and taking a walk and getting my nails done before a big night out. I spend the day in carpool lines, at meetings for my kids, at work, at sporting events…all of which require me to be “on” and talk and listen and be in a crowd. So, when I get home, I want to sit on the couch. I want to fold laundry in a quiet room. I want to read. I want to have a quiet dinner with my husband after the kids go to bed. I NEED to decompress just so that tomorrow is as good as today.

So, I am working on saying no. I just have to. Sometimes it’s inevitable- there are three kids’ worth of soccer games, practices, piano lessons, school drop offs and pick ups, teacher meetings, performances, homework, club, etc. I HAVE to say no a lot, because I chose to have and love three children and they fill up my days all on their own and I love it. But sometimes I have to say no just because I simply CAN NOT be even a glimmer of a fun version of myself today. Because I need to do this all again tomorrow.

I just hope you understand.

 

Shit’s getting real.

So, this summer I turned 39. I love birthdays, so I want you to know that I seriously can’t wait to turn 40. Milestone birthdays are the best because they give you a REAL REASON to celebrate for many, many days. So, when next June rolls around, you can KNOW FOR SURE that I’ll be excited.

Here’s the thing, though. This particular milestone has some other milestones attached. Like, I’m done having kiddos. There are three. They outnumber us and that’s slightly terrifying. So, no more. We’re settled. We know how to do this life for the most part, even though if you see/hear me at any given point after 5 p.m. you might doubt that. But, everyone is alive, healthy, happy (enough- I mean they are kids, they are no doubt tormented by wanting/”needing” something at this very moment). I have a virtually endless supply of wine, thanks to deciding that while I don’t PREFER boxes of wine, they are perfectly fine and are good to have around. I could go on, but my point is…

We’re all okay. We’re totally doing this life.

Here’s the OTHER thing, though. More seriously. I have lived a lot of my life fairly dissatisfied with myself. I mean, I know. That’s depressing and a whole other thing. But I’m sort of sick of it, and I’m sort of determined to go into my 40’s (and beyond) in a better place.

I don’t mean skinny. Or vegan. Or with a flat stomach (because let’s be honest- I love food, beer, wine, and I have three kids). Or richer. Or smarter (because, three kids). I mean, I want to feel good. And love (some of) the things I do (because, three kids, and I do not love Metal Gear Solid OR cutting 30 fingernails and 30 toenails every few weeks). I want to be the best, happy, fun version of myself (which can’t possibly be the 25 year old version of me, because she was totally exhausting).

I want to learn to say no.

I want to learn to say yes.

I want to do a handstand in yoga. And crow. And side crow.

I want to stop eating processed food (for the most part, because Sour Patch Kids).

I know that I need to (but will not say that I want to) stop drinking Diet Coke.

And I’m sure the list goes on and on.

And maybe I’ll hold myself accountable if I’m reporting it to (my family via) the interwebs.

We’ll just see. If nothing else, we’ll end it all next June with a big party.

Not a marathon, because I’ve done that before here, and it was just terrifying. Turning 40 is much easier. It certainly can’t be harder.

%d bloggers like this: